hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
