My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
