seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
