Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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