So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
