Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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