Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
