I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm having to shit out rocks
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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