so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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