Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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