we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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