I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
