The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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