Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
