FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
