The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize