I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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