I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
