You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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