apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
