I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Im part way to drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
