remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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