First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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