I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
