i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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