im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
