I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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