# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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