Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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