i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
