Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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