I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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