dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
