I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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