Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I will be naked everywhere
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
