i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
