I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
