I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
