If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
