ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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