My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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