Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
