I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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