I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
