yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize