i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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