there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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