I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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