On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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