I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
