Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
