How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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