I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
